The other night Ann and I were at a trendy restaurant in downtown Portland. As we ate the most delicious Peruvian food I’ve ever had, we couldn’t help but notice a sharply dressed gentleman sitting at a two-person table by himself. The server had placed menus and poured water at both table settings. The gentleman had ordered a drink and continued to nervously (almost obsessively) look at his phone. Appearing to double check the time, his text messages, his calendar. We weren’t trying to be nosy, but as he was in our line of vision, we couldn’t help but notice this go on for more than 45 minutes until he quickly paid his bill and left with a defeated look. “Oh no, he got ‘no showed’ by his date”, Ann grimaced.

Now I don’t know the exact circumstances that led up to this scenario, but we’ve all experienced a situation or two where someone ceased all communication without warning. You may have been left wondering what you did or said wrong. You may have even tried asking what happened. But in spite of your best efforts, your contact went unanswered. This painfully common phenomenon is termed “ghosting”. Official definitions describe it as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication”. While ghosting happens most often in romantic relationships, it can also occur in friendships and business relationships. Not only is the practice extremely impolite but it can also cause long-term consequences for its unfortunate victims. Decreased self-confidence, inability to trust and hesitancy when entering new relationships are all possible side effects of being ghosted. Here’s why you shouldn’t repeat this unkind act and the steps you should take if it has happened to you.

Why You Shouldn’t Ghost People

In our increasingly disconnected society, we are more likely to avoid face-to-face interactions in exchange for less authentic means of conversation. Modern generations grew up relying on technology to conduct social interactions while finding less need for traditional soft skills. Consequently, fewer and fewer people (especially millennials) are well versed in conflict resolution, conversational diplomacy and the art of having uncomfortable discussions. We’ve grown accustomed to hiding behind our computers and phones. We’ve learned we can logout when things become too stressful or even take it a step further by avoiding logging in at all. The ease of avoidance naturally lends itself to creating a community of people who use ghosting as an acceptable means of closure. However, it definitely is not.

“What goes around comes around” is an adage that holds a lot of truth. One day, you may be in management and someone may “ghost” you by skipping out on their interview or shift. You’ll have to go into work on a weekend (or even worse, your vacation) and you’ll experience the same level of inconvenience you once put someone else through. Instead, skip the negative “come around” and do the right thing. People of integrity pick up the phone and have those tough conversations. If you aren’t interested in dating someone, a proposal you asked for, a certain job offer, a business project, or whatever it may be, be honest. Don’t cause uncertainty for others because you lack the ability to face your problems head-on.

What to Do if You’ve Been Ghosted

If you’ve been ghosted, hurt feelings and frustration are normal reactions. While you can’t force someone to communicate with you or give you the answers you seek, you can take back your power. Try to remember, the more energy and thought you pour into the situation, the harder it is to move on. Don’t allow the offender to have undeserved control of your feelings from afar. Their decision to abandon you is in no way a reflection of your worth. If you find that the terminated relationship is consuming your thoughts, refocus that energy toward a more productive cause. If gaining closure is necessary, try drafting a letter detailing your unexpressed feelings. Then, instead of sending it, find a therapeutic way to dispose of your letter. While you can’t control or change the other party’s actions, you can control your own. Remember that you hold the power when it comes to you mental health and happiness. Focus on yourself and the people who are worthy of your attention.



Mentors, leaders and principled people inspire others to behave in good conscious. Use this as a coachable moment, even if listening to this truth hurts. No matter how you spin it, ghosting is wrong. It takes courage, maturity and honesty to conquer tough conversations; but everyone deserves the respect of transparent communication. Next time you find yourself on the brink of a difficult conversation, use the advice above to take the high road.